Tag Archives: relationships

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Dear Reader, thinking about the last month and my fight with all of these personal things, I realise that because of my decisions I made when I was younger has lead to a very small social group. As of right now, I am making new friends. But it’s not like I went out and met them. They come to farm and we get to know each other and then they are gone just as soon as they came.

Knowing that my life will be better if I just stay sober and keep my mind occupied with the things that are still important to me, I know that I can beat this sense of loneliness.

This place has been so wonderful to me, and I fear that I haven’t really returned the favour. Or at least lately. Trying to get my head on straight while I’m by myself isn’t the best thing that I could do I suppose, but it is something that I simply just have to do.

I just wish that there was a simpler way to handle this. Because it is hard to stay focused when everyone around you is drinking and having fun and you like to do that but get a bit carried away and then start saying and doing stupid shit. But I guess no one is really themselves when they get drunk.

And it’s none of their faults that I can’t handle myself when I’m drinking. It boils down to everyone not having a problem but me.

Little Miracles

As I step in your vocal boundaries, where only your voice seems to precipitate in to drops of beauty. I held on as long as I could, but lo, it was just a brief dream. A mere moment of everything that could be possible. Yet, you were there.

Dear Reader, this post is about those intangible muses that we find in everything. The wind blowing through the grass. How every bumble bee is shaped and coloured differently. The way you can tell who’s the sleeping bee by how much pollen they’ve collected.

I say let’s be like the morning. Bright and shining with everything that we do. Collecting light and every wonderful piece of knowledge that we can find. Damn, I feel silly. (like butterflies in my stomach).

“My heart has wings, and I can fly. I’ll touch every star in the sky.”

 

Fresh Air

It’s funny to think that someone that lives outdoors would need some fresh air. But what I have realised is that when I was in the city, I dreamed of going to the country side, thinking that all my worries would be washed away. However, now that I am here, sometimes, I feel like I just want to go to the city and spend some time with all the crazy people and cars and lights.

But there is something that I have found to be even more soothing. The reassurance and support of an old friend.

My friend has come from Oregon and he I used to live with him for a while a couple of years ago. I worked in his garden and was able to do pretty much anything I wanted there. The only difference is that he always gave me supportive feedback and corrected me if I was doing a technique or practice wrong. Instead of taking over, he always let me retry with him doing it by my side.

This is one aspect in a friend and mentor that I can get behind.

I don’t see a point in telling someone that they are doing something wrong and then taking the project from them and doing it themselves the way that they first imagined the task being done. I don’t think I work that way.

These last few weeks, with my friend Dirt having health issues and my boss never really being here, doing the work in the garden was a drag. It bored me and I had no motivation due to the fact that no one else is interested in it. (which is strange because we live on a farm…) However, since my good friend Robin has been here, I feel extremely more inclined to be out there fixing and maintaining the garden as it should be. He loves to garden and knows about farming. He’s been doing it since he was young. I don’t know how old he is, but his fiery spirit leads his way. He, too, is a traveler and he won’t be here very long, but his time here has certainly made mine more enjoyable.

It’s nice to be in the garden with someone who wants to be there, and who actually is filled with knowledge about many types of flora and fauna.

This post is simply to appreciate the people in your life that you aspire to be or that you can trust to help you along your path to wherever it is that you may be going. People like this deserve to be held in high regard and esteem because there are not enough of them!

Thank you Dear Reader, for your time.

Dear Reader,

I have decided to give up my attempts at trying to commune with someone. Although futile, I tried. And as hard as I might, to no avail.

First off, let me start by saying that I think the biggest part of my wanting to be in contact with that person is because I was infatuated. That’s it. And perhaps they already knew that. I mean, how could you blame someone with a fiery spirit? (if you do blame them, wouldn’t you expect to be burned?)

Really, I want to make this post short. So, here goes:

She was gorgeous. She was talented. She was pretty much everything I ever wanted. But I was scared and trapped in a suffocating relationship that I knew was going to end in a burst of hot air. Her eyes sparkled with adventure. Her skin, silk. The hair on her head, although a bit tangled, wrapped around me and made me tingle. Her smile, my god that smile, was breathtaking. The way she moved made time slow down. The way she talked made me hush to listen.

But I wish not to praise her so.

Who am I? To her, probably nothing. To me? probably nothing. I suppose, as I’ve said before, I am stuck in a pipe dream. Which is why I must give it up to pursue that which is close to me. Right in front of me. My garden. My puppy.

Thank you Dear Reader, I’m going to take another shot of 151. Good night.

Advancement Through Awareness

Dear Reader, I have been doing some thinking, and for quite a while now. Recapturing the sentiments of my last couple of posts, I got to realising that what I’m doing here on the farm is exactly the kind of ‘lifestyle’ or ‘choice’ that a lot of my peers had dreamed about. It is a way of living that many dream about but never get to actually act upon. Getting to be apart of a larger scale of sustainability and being able to work with the many facets of agriculture and permaculture is something that many people, that I have personally come across, have only talked about but have never experienced.

If you have been following this blog, you might know that I have a very firm stance against police brutality and violence. However, the subject of what we actually do when we are not protesting is never brought up in the common discourse. I understand that a lot of the time is spent organizing the next function or the next action. Fortunately for me, however, I have been given the opportunity to experience a life where I am able to learn skills and participate in the act of being a Human Being and helping others through helping myself and gaining knowledge and skills that I can offer for the whole.

Being here is something that I talked about several years ago. It would be a lie to say that, “I never imagined I would be here” because I did in fact imagine it. And, lo, I am here doing what I love the most. Taking care of plants that in turn take care of others.

If we want to truly break from the system and discontinue the perpetual acts of consumption and violence towards others, we have to break away from what we feel is comfortable for this generation of people. The cell-phones. The television. The computer. Yes, I know, you’re reading this on a computer, but hear me out. I believe that there is nothing more important then finding a niche that will benefit the health of the Earth and for those around you.

Being part of this community has taught me that there are many important things that I can be doing, there is always something that can be fixed, there is literally always something to do in the garden, and staying idle is never a good thing. There is never a dull moment or even a time to be bored. There is always some way to progress on the farm and to get through another day feeling accomplished and wanting to strive even harder or better the next. There are always prospects of advancement and eventual completion regardless of what time of year it is.

There are feelings of happiness to know that one day I will be able to return to my family a better Human. But until I have fully cultivated the person that I am becoming, the road is ever-more tedious and at times treacherous. There are always ups, but also just as many downs.

What I really want to get across, Dear Reader, is that if we want to be better as people, there has to be an exchange. Exchange of what you ask? Your valuable time. The time it takes to figure out how to work a chainsaw because eventually during winter, you’re going to be cold. To plant during the correct time in the season so that you have a crop to eat. The time to actually sit down with those you live with and talk to them about whatever it is that ails them. The time to actually notice changes in the plants that you take care of and to have enough foresight to deal with any obstacles.

By being on this farm, I have learned that there are few things that are greater then building cohesive relationships that not only matter to you, but to those around you. Building these relationships not only helps procure bonds, but also sets an example for the youth and for those around us who want the same thing. If we can not trust each other enough to invite each other in to our own houses, what good is it to be neighbors? Being responsive in a community is very important, because you never know when some one else is in need of help.

And I can take that to heart because a lot of the time, I am the one that is in need.

Thank You, Dear Reader, for your patience. I know that it has been a crazy journey. But we all get to where we are going by taking that first step.

Post Scriptum- My pepper plants are getting big! I’m going to have to find a better camera to take my photos because I scuffed up the lens on my phone. Anyway, that’s coming up next! Thanks again!

Unaltered

There are things in my mind that I can not free myself from. The everlasting feeling of hope that one day I’d be in the arms of that someone that I hold dear in my heart. However, Dear Reader, I have come to think that my attempts at fulfilling this fantasy is exactly that, a fantasy. Something that is too far out of my reach, and I can’t bare the thought of not seeing it come into fruition.

I suppose it’s just as well. I mean, there isn’t much to be said about the subject except that my attempts have remained futile. There is no sense, I feel, to keep going on this way.

I have tried to explain my feelings to this person, but to no avail. All-in-all, I think I should give it up. They are across the country and dealing with their own life… Who am I to try and mess that up?

Mendokuse…