This month has been a difficult and quite distracting one. With many reasons to be distracted and unmotivated, there is at least one physical place that helps keep me sane. Even though I have been fighting internally about some things, which doesn’t serve to mention at all, these are just obstacles. Although not physical, they do pose problems. Like most journeys I have had, what had started with optimism has quickly turned to annoyed sentiments and resentment.
The more time that I think about certain things, the more that I resent the person that I have been running away from all of this time. The person that never visits there family and dreads the day when something horrible has happened and I have to go back to California for some macabre reunion. Facilitated by some tragedy.
And this is what I think about. My day of birth is coming up in a couple of weeks, and the only thing that I want for my birthday is to be forgiven by my family. For always letting them down when they needed me and for never being there. This above all things would let me die happy.
Other than this, there is the fact that this month has been mostly rain. Meaning that all if not most of the outdoor things that we wanted to get done will have to wait. Because the house is still not habitable, we are confined to our separate living spaces(my tent and his van). Which is actually quite agreeable for me since I was beginning to feel like I needed some space to myself without having someone hover over me while I write. However, now that I am semi-comfortable, I have been able to get a few more ideas out onto paper and digital format.
What’s more is that I have been getting that inescapable feeling once again. That I am feeling more alone when I’m with people. I have tried to explain myself, that I am tired of being around other people’s friends and not my own. For the last couple of years it has been this way. Being 4th or 6th wheel to a conversation that I have no idea about. But this has proven to be futile. Albeit is not as though I have many friends; let alone people that would want to see me. So I can’t really complain seeing as I have put myself in this position.
Well, I am done complaining for one night Dear Reader. Just thought I might put that out there while I have the chance. On a lighter note, I found a really awesome Asian market that sells Poi. Until next time, Dear Reader and thanks again for taking the time out of your day.