Tag Archives: love

Just an Instance

Dear Reader,

Lately it has been quite an eye-opener. It’s not that I just realised this, I’ve known it for a long time, but one can see the health of a person by the health of their garden. In this case, I wasn’t taking care of myself mentally or physically, continuelly beating myself up for things that perhaps wouldn’t make sense to those around me. A kind of enigma.

When I get this way, when I am suffering, it is apparent in all the things around me. My dog runs off, my plants become sickly or wilted, and my body just aches from being wounded internally.

I have been fighting this part of me for a long time, and it has been in the garden that I find the most solace. I have mentioned before about my friend, who has helped me a lot the past month in doing things in the garden that I just don’t take the initiative to do. There are things that I want to accomplish, however, I feel intimidated or that I don’t have the jurisdiction to do such things because it isn’t part of the ‘master plan’.

To be quite honest, I want to make some changes in the garden without having to ask anyone. There’s a certain sense of fear that I may make a mistake. What are mistakes but stepping stones to knowledge?! The thing about having my friend from Oregon so close is that he gives me the confidence to do things that I wouldn’t normally do. Making decisions without the fear of reciprication in the wrong way.

This post is simply to state that there is a lot of things that I still wish to change in myself, and I think that if I tend to what I know and gain the knowledge that I seek, I will be able to do this physically in the garden. Seeing the objective changes in the garden kills me inside. But there is also one other thing…

I am currently the only one taking care of about a quarter acre(?not actually sure… a very large area). I mean, there is another person that is here that does things, but they are practically usless (sorry not sorry) because they need to be held by their hand.

There’s not much that can be done about this except put it up on the community board, because that’s where all of the tasks are. It’s not a bad thing I suppose, but perhaps it is a stressful part of what I do because it is an added responsiblity that I never signed up for. But is it my fault for knowing how things run around here? Or what…? I don’t exactly know.

All-in-all, I think that leaving would be the wrong idea. Staying isn’t that great of an idea in-itself. But I shall, because that is what is expected of me. There isn’t much that I can do, and absolutely nowhere that I am able to go, which inlies the problem.

I’ll just suck it up, Dear Reader, and pray that my situation gets better. Thank you for reading.

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Dear Reader,

I have decided to give up my attempts at trying to commune with someone. Although futile, I tried. And as hard as I might, to no avail.

First off, let me start by saying that I think the biggest part of my wanting to be in contact with that person is because I was infatuated. That’s it. And perhaps they already knew that. I mean, how could you blame someone with a fiery spirit? (if you do blame them, wouldn’t you expect to be burned?)

Really, I want to make this post short. So, here goes:

She was gorgeous. She was talented. She was pretty much everything I ever wanted. But I was scared and trapped in a suffocating relationship that I knew was going to end in a burst of hot air. Her eyes sparkled with adventure. Her skin, silk. The hair on her head, although a bit tangled, wrapped around me and made me tingle. Her smile, my god that smile, was breathtaking. The way she moved made time slow down. The way she talked made me hush to listen.

But I wish not to praise her so.

Who am I? To her, probably nothing. To me? probably nothing. I suppose, as I’ve said before, I am stuck in a pipe dream. Which is why I must give it up to pursue that which is close to me. Right in front of me. My garden. My puppy.

Thank you Dear Reader, I’m going to take another shot of 151. Good night.

In the Wind

Last night I had a dream about the woman that I am very fond of. In this dream, she was standing there in an outfit of crimson and deep blue. In this dream, I could not stand to look at her because for some odd reason, I was embarrassed. Perhaps even frightened. A magical effect brought on by those with the power to create or destroy.

Her beauty was captured in the surroundings, and it seemed to make her glow with a certain air of distinction that captured her essence.

This dream was vague and passed by with the swiftness of a dandelion being blown in the wind. Sensations of being afraid to speak with her, or even look at her, makes me upset and angry with myself. What would I do in real life!? Honestly, I don’t think I would react this way in real-life, I would not let myself ever pass up another opportunity to be with her for even a moment. Even if it were to just talk about the little pleasures that have happened to us in the absence of each other.

Dear Reader, I want to tell you that this woman is someone special. One of the most unfettered beings that I have ever met. One of the most wonderful specimens to ever cross my path. I am infatuated to an unhealthy point. I just need to focus on my Gardening…

The Scent of Flowers(Title unrelated)

A sense that is undoubtedly coming from the need for change. Is this that feeling that I get some times when I’m so comfortable that I have to get out of what ever decent situation that I’m in? Coming to this point frequently in my life, almost no alternative will suffice. Words escape me, fleeting with every whim that is taken. My thoughts sore high above the Ethernet cables and waterfalls of memory cascade into the dim lit rooms of the past. Searching through them like some kind of shoe box of photographs that are water stained from being forgotten for far too long, tucked away in the attic of the mind.

The unwarranted feelings of love and happiness drown me in simple conjunctures that formulate cohesive sentences. Albeit, they are sentences that are shoddy and without confidence.

Far from discretion, a broken heart is stitched to an arm that once felt as though it were able to hold a whole other world. One that lay in the sea of infinite possibility, travelling through space without knowing which direction it was going. But it floats on never-the-less. Ever moving through space and chaos. Broken symmetry in galaxies that evaporate without anyone ever knowing. Blissfully unaware of the potential within each speck of star dust.

The same which created you. The sole purpose of my being. The reason I want to live.

Each post is typed to blind eyes. A melody that is remembered only whilst reminiscing what once was. Birds could not sing a more beautiful note.

Dear Reader, my mind is some place else….

Unaltered

There are things in my mind that I can not free myself from. The everlasting feeling of hope that one day I’d be in the arms of that someone that I hold dear in my heart. However, Dear Reader, I have come to think that my attempts at fulfilling this fantasy is exactly that, a fantasy. Something that is too far out of my reach, and I can’t bare the thought of not seeing it come into fruition.

I suppose it’s just as well. I mean, there isn’t much to be said about the subject except that my attempts have remained futile. There is no sense, I feel, to keep going on this way.

I have tried to explain my feelings to this person, but to no avail. All-in-all, I think I should give it up. They are across the country and dealing with their own life… Who am I to try and mess that up?

Mendokuse…

A Star Out of Reach

Earth’s solid form beneath me
With the soil in my hands
My only memory of you leaves
To shores of golden sands

Like a Bee with dutiful flight
Wandering the wilderness
My heart becomes childish
Blinking in and out of archaic existence

The soul is stardust
Memories are the wind
Blowing away in each breeze
Only to come back again

Our flower of passion has wilted
Unforgettable and True
Collapsing in my mind
On silky wings it flew