Category Archives: Uncategorized

Next Move

As it turns out, I am once again going to be moving to a different location. Having a garden just doesn’t seem to be happening this year… again. Which really puts a damper on my spirits. For once, I would just like to see my peppers flower and fruit. Along with my other herbs and plants. However, all is not lost.

Because we had such a horrible winter here, I took it upon myself to pot everything so that if the location I chose was not working, I could move them to a more permanent location when I found it. Since I have only been here 6 months, I have no clue when and where the summer sun will be at the specific times that I want. So, I woke up every morning and monitored where the sun was shining, where the dappled shade was, and which spots got the most adequate amount of direct sunlight per day. To no avail as this seems to have been a waste of time.

My mind has been on a path of peppers, but also using Herbs medicinally and how I can incorporate that into a way of living. Not to say that I want to become some shaman or anything, but perhaps a friend of a shaman. A provider of natural herbal medicines and as such, I am learning about many different herbs and how to identify them. I am also making a list of herbs and plants which I think would be worthwhile to learn as much as possible about: Golden Seal, Echinacea, St. John’s Wart, Black Cohosh, Milk Thistle, and Pipsissewa for starters.

Each of these plants that I have chosen have a special significance which I will share as I learn more and more about them. They each have special properties that help aid specific ailments that I suffer.

As I sit in the rain, there is not much to do but research and listen to music and count down the days until I will not be here warm and comfortable. Dreading the fact that I will have to move my entire garden one more time for the past 3 growing seasons… So it goes…

This time has given me a mostly drawn out business plan though. So it’s not entirely time wasted. It’s given me more of a purpose. An educated explanation of what few and simple things that I want for myself. It’s going to be hard, being homeless and all, but maybe things will work out. Just maybe…

Advertisements

Inherent Rythm

Somewhere within, closer than I can imagine. Learning that this solitude is either one of two things. The negative particulars wherein I always find myself takes hold and it becomes regrettably hard to escape. The other positive path is simply a change of mind and attitude. Stuck in my head and longing for community. More than what there currently is.

I had a dream this morning about being in a type of boarding school, a place that I’ve been to before. I mean to say, I’ve visited this place several other times in dreams. The one constant is that I arrive and there is always new people. Some people I know, most of them I don’t. It was something like living in the San Francisco Commune all those years ago. Seems like forever.

But that’s exactly the thing I wish for. A whole group of people watching each others back and making the most out of shitty situations. Currently, I’m learning how to enjoy being alone so that I don’t try and use others as a means of escape. Which I have always done. I’ve never focused on my needs to any extent beyond eating food and drinking water. Regular human stuff.

I always found the need give all of myself to a single person, which subsequently leads me to believe that I am easily manipulated which in-turn I give up on my ideas and sell myself short. And it really stinks to feel that way. I know that I am worthy and I just have to prove that to myself.

My Other Half

As you know reader, this blog goes from being depressing, to radical, to creative… so I’ve decided to keep some of the things separate. With my new venture in to the wilderness and winter of the Oregon mountains, I will be documenting my journey at my previous site handle: permacultureghost.wordpress.com.

In any case, I will try and keep everything up to date after the queue finishes posting later this week. Also, there is an article I’ll be working on for inleague about current events and what we can do as communities to stand up against the atrocities happening all over the nation.

Thank you Dear Reader for your time. Photos coming soon!

Getting My Mind Back

I’ve had a recent ‘spurt’ of creativity flowing through me recently, and am not quite sure why. It feels great though. I’ve been having constant day dreams about a story that I have been thinking about for the last few months. So, I have been researching all morning about how to collect water in space and on the moon.

Perhaps this post is a complete 180 flip from what I have been posting the last couple of months. But it is definitely a breath of fresh air. My mind has been a lot clearer not being on alcohol.

I write this now for the sole purpose of being grateful that I am alive another day.

There is a lot that has come to light in my mind and I think writing about that leaf was somewhat of a way to release some of my fears and sentiments that I never share with anyone. Knowing full well that the people that I most want to express myself to will never read it, and maybe by the time they do, things would be different. All I can hope to do is hang on to the last shread of sanity that I have. Not knowing where it is that I want to really go with my life.

I write now because I want to tell my future self that it can be done. Just keep doing what is right and believe that you can do it. Even if it is by yourself. No one said it would be easy. Thank You Dear Reader for your time. Much obliged.

Letting Go (A story about a leaf)

There has always been a subtlety in the way a brief zephyr hints to something from beyond our control. From a horizon not yet discovered or even fathomed. The distant star of realization and the continuity of the time left us by ancient wisdom. Faith… that core ingredient to something much larger than we could hope to envision. An understanding of what it means to finally let go of past transgression and success; to be one without and subsequently, with all. The days pass with each phase of the season. The wandering moon at night entertains my mind with it’s always changing face. Gradually becoming something other than what I perceive it to be, yet something else.

Rooted here, I have no choice but to silently let time pass by me. The others around me, I’m sure, feel the same as I. As the sun dips lower in the sky, it should be noted that some of the others have started to leave this place. Gracefully and quietly, so as not to arouse any malcontent from those who have yet to make up their minds.

I go alone, however, into the periphery of space with mere speculations. Asking only to understand if what it is that I feel worth any conjecture. Thoughts rampage about. Surely there is a doorway in which I can open that would lead me to a clearer answer. And as more time passes, the scene is one of a mere trifle of the existence that once stood before. In all of it’s lush glory, waving in the sunshine as if there was nothing to accept other than to exist in a world with no faults. Only to be met with the current curve of time in which all that was has become a far-off relic to be remembered. A blazing moment of youth captured in a memory.

And I go now, up-rooted and yearning for the next time I might feel the warmth of the sun which now hides behind the thunderstorms of swift change. Remarkable, yet frightening as it bolsters pillars of light that crisscross like splintering wood. Falling to the ground, that zephyr picks me up softly, gently laying me on the cold Earth. A resting place I thought that I would never get to touch. All who I had seen vanish now lay in beds that blanketed everywhere that I could see. Then I, too, had become one of these important pieces and subsequently fulfilled my part. Becoming one with the unexplored void. Released into the boundless horizon.

Fading from green, to yellow, to nothing.

Retrograde

I have been having some really traumatizing inner-turmoil with some of the things that have been happening to me lately. (What’s new?) So, let me jump right in to it:

First off, my dog. She is a great dog. The only thing is that she is constantly running away. I don’t know why she does it. The only real reason that I can think of is because I might not be giving her enough attention and she gets bored. But even when there is another dog here, she will still run away.

I mean, she has everything that I think that she could want, but really I guess not because she still finds her way to the road. Keeping her in the yurt isn’t what a dog’s life should be when we live on a farm. And I’ve tried to keep her in and let her out for a certain amount of time. But even in that amount of time, she still finds a way to slip past everyone and run away.

I suppose that the next step is to make her a run that she can’t get off of. One of those metal wires that you hang from two trees. She’ll wine, but I guess that’s just part of it.

Right now, she is at an animal care service and I don’t have a ride to pick her up. I only have about a couple of days to claim her, and it’s very stressful.

Second, I have made a very stupid decision that may cost me my job. I don’t want to put it out there in the universe and everything, but I just have a feeling. I don’t want to lose it, but maybe it just might have to happen

I know that it was a stupid idea. And I feel worse than I did before. There isn’t much that I can do about it now. Except deal with the consequences of my actions. I just hope that there is some understanding.

Third, I have never been good at asking for help when I really need it. I’m a suffering alcoholic and a constant threat to myself. I am always in constant anguish and mental distress even though I don’t show it outwardly. Something that has been part of my persona all of my life. Something that I try to bury with alcohol. I hate myself for it, hence the reason why I need the help.

I can’t talk to my boss at all because he intimidates me and I don’t think he really understands. And when I have, the answer is always the same. I need to get off the farm for a while and do my own thing and just try and figure out where I can get help.

It’s just that I am not mobile, and even getting a ride is difficult. Plus, I don’t have a phone, so I can’t call anyone. So everything right now is just up in the air, and I’m just hoping that I don’t get fired. I guess we’ll just see when that time comes.

Thank you, Dear Reader. Sometimes, I just have to get it out there, maybe someone will read it.

Some bullshit that I decided to write about because it made me happy.

Recently, a very special person came back into my life for the briefest of moments. Even though it was a video chat, it was nice to see her beautiful smile. Something I have yearned to lay my eyes upon for what has become years.

This post is to explain my anxiety and nervousness. As much as I try to just let it flow, I find myself swamped in my mind again. That feeling of wanting something more. Something tangible.

To be honest, she has been the only person that I had ever tried to impress. Just knowing that she would be around made me act differently. It made me motivated to finish any projects with loose ends and to share every aspect of my life that I could. Even though I preoccupy myself with the garden and learning about all the different and specific needs of all the plants, I always felt reception just talking about all the things I’ve learned.

If I am being candid, the amount of nervousness that I felt seeing my phone ring and seeing her name was not enough to not pick it up. With the surprising amount of courage that I must have had on reserve somewhere in the depths of my soul, I answered. Only to be chocked up and tongue tied. As if being strangled by a Ghost of Fear.

I wasn’t ready to talk, there was so many tumultuous thoughts.

Recollecting the smoothness of her voice, the softness that flowed through those lips. The intensity of her eyes and the way they flicker with animation. Perpetual beauty like a faceted gem where I find no faults. Perhaps not even faceted but weathered and tried through time and life which carefully etched the voluptuous landscape that is her body, her mind and her soul.

Although I might be some-what intimidated by her, I know that given the opportunity, I could get passed that and be able to share myself with her like that lost summer. When the weather was perfect and the sun shown through. I could go on-and-on in that old and corny fashion, but I wish not to bore you with whimsical fancies of a mind plagued by loneliness.

Just thinking of her makes me absolutely crazy. For several reasons…