Category Archives: Just feelings c:

Next Move

As it turns out, I am once again going to be moving to a different location. Having a garden just doesn’t seem to be happening this year… again. Which really puts a damper on my spirits. For once, I would just like to see my peppers flower and fruit. Along with my other herbs and plants. However, all is not lost.

Because we had such a horrible winter here, I took it upon myself to pot everything so that if the location I chose was not working, I could move them to a more permanent location when I found it. Since I have only been here 6 months, I have no clue when and where the summer sun will be at the specific times that I want. So, I woke up every morning and monitored where the sun was shining, where the dappled shade was, and which spots got the most adequate amount of direct sunlight per day. To no avail as this seems to have been a waste of time.

My mind has been on a path of peppers, but also using Herbs medicinally and how I can incorporate that into a way of living. Not to say that I want to become some shaman or anything, but perhaps a friend of a shaman. A provider of natural herbal medicines and as such, I am learning about many different herbs and how to identify them. I am also making a list of herbs and plants which I think would be worthwhile to learn as much as possible about: Golden Seal, Echinacea, St. John’s Wart, Black Cohosh, Milk Thistle, and Pipsissewa for starters.

Each of these plants that I have chosen have a special significance which I will share as I learn more and more about them. They each have special properties that help aid specific ailments that I suffer.

As I sit in the rain, there is not much to do but research and listen to music and count down the days until I will not be here warm and comfortable. Dreading the fact that I will have to move my entire garden one more time for the past 3 growing seasons… So it goes…

This time has given me a mostly drawn out business plan though. So it’s not entirely time wasted. It’s given me more of a purpose. An educated explanation of what few and simple things that I want for myself. It’s going to be hard, being homeless and all, but maybe things will work out. Just maybe…

Inherent Rythm

Somewhere within, closer than I can imagine. Learning that this solitude is either one of two things. The negative particulars wherein I always find myself takes hold and it becomes regrettably hard to escape. The other positive path is simply a change of mind and attitude. Stuck in my head and longing for community. More than what there currently is.

I had a dream this morning about being in a type of boarding school, a place that I’ve been to before. I mean to say, I’ve visited this place several other times in dreams. The one constant is that I arrive and there is always new people. Some people I know, most of them I don’t. It was something like living in the San Francisco Commune all those years ago. Seems like forever.

But that’s exactly the thing I wish for. A whole group of people watching each others back and making the most out of shitty situations. Currently, I’m learning how to enjoy being alone so that I don’t try and use others as a means of escape. Which I have always done. I’ve never focused on my needs to any extent beyond eating food and drinking water. Regular human stuff.

I always found the need give all of myself to a single person, which subsequently leads me to believe that I am easily manipulated which in-turn I give up on my ideas and sell myself short. And it really stinks to feel that way. I know that I am worthy and I just have to prove that to myself.

Just Another Day

This month has been a difficult and quite distracting one. With many reasons to be distracted and unmotivated, there is at least one physical place that helps keep me sane. Even though I have been fighting internally about some things, which doesn’t serve to mention at all, these are just obstacles. Although not physical, they do pose problems. Like most journeys I have had, what had started with optimism has quickly turned to annoyed sentiments and resentment.

The more time that I think about certain things, the more that I resent the person that I have been running away from all of this time. The person that never visits there family and dreads the day when something horrible has happened and I have to go back to California for some macabre reunion. Facilitated by some tragedy.

And this is what I think about. My day of birth is coming up in a couple of weeks, and the only thing that I want for my birthday is to be forgiven by my family. For always letting them down when they needed me and for never being there. This above all things would let me die happy.

Other than this, there is the fact that this month has been mostly rain. Meaning that all if not most of the outdoor things that we wanted to get done will have to wait. Because the house is still not habitable, we are confined to our separate living spaces(my tent and his van). Which is actually quite agreeable for me since I was beginning to feel like I needed some space to myself without having someone hover over me while I write. However, now that I am semi-comfortable, I have been able to get a few more ideas out onto paper and digital format.

What’s more is that I have been getting that inescapable feeling once again. That I am feeling more alone when I’m with people. I have tried to explain myself, that I am tired of being around other people’s friends and not my own. For the last couple of years it has been this way. Being 4th or 6th wheel to a conversation that I have no idea about. But this has proven to be futile. Albeit is not as though I have many friends; let alone people that would want to see me. So I can’t really complain seeing as I have put myself in this position.

Well, I am done complaining for one night Dear Reader. Just thought I might put that out there while I have the chance. On a lighter note, I found a really awesome Asian market that sells Poi. Until next time, Dear Reader and thanks again for taking the time out of your day.

About Writing My Story

So it’s been a month solid that I’ve been sleeping outside. Every day is a lesson in teaching myself what it means to have a routine. Starting from the bare-bones of it all, it’s hard to see where the tasks start sometimes. Dreaming up the big picture was easy. However, it didn’t take long to put it out on paper and start taking notes of the days and planning it all out. Creating a schedule is a key component to this abrupt lifestyle. And I say “abrupt” because not that long ago, there were responsibilities that were already laid out which was easy to do and accomplish. Here, that is a totally different story.

I am the master of my destiny and my garden.

Waking up everyday has been quite difficult because of an apparent insomnia caused by the rigid cold of this valley. With a creek on one side and a river on the other, the causal drafts of wind bring the chill of winter with it. So, I tend to stay up as late as I can to force myself into tiredness. And I suppose being alone at night encourages this behaviour.

In a matter of a couple of weeks, we will have achieved getting into the actual residence of the place and will have started our garden. Today (2.1.17) it starts actually. It’s really cold right now, and the place where I am currently typing has no front door and my hands are freezing. But I type nonetheless. Without music and a tiny heater. I have music, Dear Reader, but there is something about this silence that makes me write. Perhaps the sound of my pressing of each key. Kind of makes me feel more authentic.

I’ve been writing my story that I’ve been working on, but mostly just editing. There is a fair deal of work that still needs to be done as to why I’m writing it in the first place. At first, I suppose that it was just a quick free-write that turned out to be a whole idea, but then I got to thinking: What is the message? In which the writer’s block ensued. So for now, I’m going back and tweaking parts here and there. Which suffices my need to occupy my time when I’m not doing garden activities.

On my third cup of coffee, the existential questions start flooding in and I wonder if the plot of the story is worth it? In hindsight, I think it’s as generic as can be. The type of generic plot that would be referenced in a B-film. Which is why I’m thinking so hard about what it is that I can do to try and make it my own flavour.

Dialogue will almost always be a crucial part in any story. And I feel like that has always come naturally to me. It’s all those tiny spaces between, where all the details should connect, that get to me. Continuity is both an enemy and a friend. So it helps to go over everything a billion times. As of right now, to be honest to myself, it is being drawn out to the point that something in the story needs to change. A disaster or a miracle needs to happen.

Perhaps which is the reason I have said writer’s block.

The need to find a muse actually haunts me. To the point where I feel like I’m in the book Haunted: by Chuck Palahnuik. The only thing that I’m missing is a front door to lock me in. And I suppose that all this time I’ve spent trying to follow my own path has led me here. In retrospect, this is everything that I’ve wanted. Such is the life of a Steppenwolfe.

Now, trying to force myself to write is something I’ve learned to avoid. The story becomes like an instrument out of tune. The basics are there, but there is no life or love in it. No inspiration that could be bequeathed to the reader. Essentially missing the target. Trying to attain that spark that started it all in the first place is also challenging and I hope to find that spark once again in the garden. (Where I have a lot of my ideas!)

Getting my head back on straight is taking a bit longer than I had expected, but that is life I suppose. Trying to lose my mind in books helps, albeit I am using them as sedatives to help me fall asleep. The only real thing left to do is start from the beginning, bare-bones as I have said before, and remember that everything starts somewhere. The natural order of things come to pass whether we are ready for them or not. And some of us are more ready then others.

Even though I struggle to get a grip sometimes, it is my duty to learn as much as I can and document it for the future. At least that is something positive I can leave with the world once I am gone. Thank you Dear Reader for your time.

Getting My Mind Back

I’ve had a recent ‘spurt’ of creativity flowing through me recently, and am not quite sure why. It feels great though. I’ve been having constant day dreams about a story that I have been thinking about for the last few months. So, I have been researching all morning about how to collect water in space and on the moon.

Perhaps this post is a complete 180 flip from what I have been posting the last couple of months. But it is definitely a breath of fresh air. My mind has been a lot clearer not being on alcohol.

I write this now for the sole purpose of being grateful that I am alive another day.

There is a lot that has come to light in my mind and I think writing about that leaf was somewhat of a way to release some of my fears and sentiments that I never share with anyone. Knowing full well that the people that I most want to express myself to will never read it, and maybe by the time they do, things would be different. All I can hope to do is hang on to the last shread of sanity that I have. Not knowing where it is that I want to really go with my life.

I write now because I want to tell my future self that it can be done. Just keep doing what is right and believe that you can do it. Even if it is by yourself. No one said it would be easy. Thank You Dear Reader for your time. Much obliged.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Dear Reader, thinking about the last month and my fight with all of these personal things, I realise that because of my decisions I made when I was younger has lead to a very small social group. As of right now, I am making new friends. But it’s not like I went out and met them. They come to farm and we get to know each other and then they are gone just as soon as they came.

Knowing that my life will be better if I just stay sober and keep my mind occupied with the things that are still important to me, I know that I can beat this sense of loneliness.

This place has been so wonderful to me, and I fear that I haven’t really returned the favour. Or at least lately. Trying to get my head on straight while I’m by myself isn’t the best thing that I could do I suppose, but it is something that I simply just have to do.

I just wish that there was a simpler way to handle this. Because it is hard to stay focused when everyone around you is drinking and having fun and you like to do that but get a bit carried away and then start saying and doing stupid shit. But I guess no one is really themselves when they get drunk.

And it’s none of their faults that I can’t handle myself when I’m drinking. It boils down to everyone not having a problem but me.

Retrograde

I have been having some really traumatizing inner-turmoil with some of the things that have been happening to me lately. (What’s new?) So, let me jump right in to it:

First off, my dog. She is a great dog. The only thing is that she is constantly running away. I don’t know why she does it. The only real reason that I can think of is because I might not be giving her enough attention and she gets bored. But even when there is another dog here, she will still run away.

I mean, she has everything that I think that she could want, but really I guess not because she still finds her way to the road. Keeping her in the yurt isn’t what a dog’s life should be when we live on a farm. And I’ve tried to keep her in and let her out for a certain amount of time. But even in that amount of time, she still finds a way to slip past everyone and run away.

I suppose that the next step is to make her a run that she can’t get off of. One of those metal wires that you hang from two trees. She’ll wine, but I guess that’s just part of it.

Right now, she is at an animal care service and I don’t have a ride to pick her up. I only have about a couple of days to claim her, and it’s very stressful.

Second, I have made a very stupid decision that may cost me my job. I don’t want to put it out there in the universe and everything, but I just have a feeling. I don’t want to lose it, but maybe it just might have to happen

I know that it was a stupid idea. And I feel worse than I did before. There isn’t much that I can do about it now. Except deal with the consequences of my actions. I just hope that there is some understanding.

Third, I have never been good at asking for help when I really need it. I’m a suffering alcoholic and a constant threat to myself. I am always in constant anguish and mental distress even though I don’t show it outwardly. Something that has been part of my persona all of my life. Something that I try to bury with alcohol. I hate myself for it, hence the reason why I need the help.

I can’t talk to my boss at all because he intimidates me and I don’t think he really understands. And when I have, the answer is always the same. I need to get off the farm for a while and do my own thing and just try and figure out where I can get help.

It’s just that I am not mobile, and even getting a ride is difficult. Plus, I don’t have a phone, so I can’t call anyone. So everything right now is just up in the air, and I’m just hoping that I don’t get fired. I guess we’ll just see when that time comes.

Thank you, Dear Reader. Sometimes, I just have to get it out there, maybe someone will read it.