Category Archives: dreams

About Writing My Story

So it’s been a month solid that I’ve been sleeping outside. Every day is a lesson in teaching myself what it means to have a routine. Starting from the bare-bones of it all, it’s hard to see where the tasks start sometimes. Dreaming up the big picture was easy. However, it didn’t take long to put it out on paper and start taking notes of the days and planning it all out. Creating a schedule is a key component to this abrupt lifestyle. And I say “abrupt” because not that long ago, there were responsibilities that were already laid out which was easy to do and accomplish. Here, that is a totally different story.

I am the master of my destiny and my garden.

Waking up everyday has been quite difficult because of an apparent insomnia caused by the rigid cold of this valley. With a creek on one side and a river on the other, the causal drafts of wind bring the chill of winter with it. So, I tend to stay up as late as I can to force myself into tiredness. And I suppose being alone at night encourages this behaviour.

In a matter of a couple of weeks, we will have achieved getting into the actual residence of the place and will have started our garden. Today (2.1.17) it starts actually. It’s really cold right now, and the place where I am currently typing has no front door and my hands are freezing. But I type nonetheless. Without music and a tiny heater. I have music, Dear Reader, but there is something about this silence that makes me write. Perhaps the sound of my pressing of each key. Kind of makes me feel more authentic.

I’ve been writing my story that I’ve been working on, but mostly just editing. There is a fair deal of work that still needs to be done as to why I’m writing it in the first place. At first, I suppose that it was just a quick free-write that turned out to be a whole idea, but then I got to thinking: What is the message? In which the writer’s block ensued. So for now, I’m going back and tweaking parts here and there. Which suffices my need to occupy my time when I’m not doing garden activities.

On my third cup of coffee, the existential questions start flooding in and I wonder if the plot of the story is worth it? In hindsight, I think it’s as generic as can be. The type of generic plot that would be referenced in a B-film. Which is why I’m thinking so hard about what it is that I can do to try and make it my own flavour.

Dialogue will almost always be a crucial part in any story. And I feel like that has always come naturally to me. It’s all those tiny spaces between, where all the details should connect, that get to me. Continuity is both an enemy and a friend. So it helps to go over everything a billion times. As of right now, to be honest to myself, it is being drawn out to the point that something in the story needs to change. A disaster or a miracle needs to happen.

Perhaps which is the reason I have said writer’s block.

The need to find a muse actually haunts me. To the point where I feel like I’m in the book Haunted: by Chuck Palahnuik. The only thing that I’m missing is a front door to lock me in. And I suppose that all this time I’ve spent trying to follow my own path has led me here. In retrospect, this is everything that I’ve wanted. Such is the life of a Steppenwolfe.

Now, trying to force myself to write is something I’ve learned to avoid. The story becomes like an instrument out of tune. The basics are there, but there is no life or love in it. No inspiration that could be bequeathed to the reader. Essentially missing the target. Trying to attain that spark that started it all in the first place is also challenging and I hope to find that spark once again in the garden. (Where I have a lot of my ideas!)

Getting my head back on straight is taking a bit longer than I had expected, but that is life I suppose. Trying to lose my mind in books helps, albeit I am using them as sedatives to help me fall asleep. The only real thing left to do is start from the beginning, bare-bones as I have said before, and remember that everything starts somewhere. The natural order of things come to pass whether we are ready for them or not. And some of us are more ready then others.

Even though I struggle to get a grip sometimes, it is my duty to learn as much as I can and document it for the future. At least that is something positive I can leave with the world once I am gone. Thank you Dear Reader for your time.


For Now

This post will be brief, as I am not using my own computer.

I have been giving an opportunity to do something a bit differently this coming year. I have been dreaming for a long time now to have a place where I can do things without having to ask someone to do it. Currently, we are in Oregon and it is so beautiful up here. I haven’t been here for about 3 years. It’s great that I’ve been able to make new friends already.

Anyway, as this is going to be brief, an opportunity to be a care-giver to a 55 acre property. In short, the owners of the property have not been doing anything with it for the past 9 years. So they have let us come in and start doing whatever we think is best for the place. And we have many ideas! Which is going to be really exciting to watch as it comes to fruition within the next year. We are going to be getting more connected with the community and try to build on that first, I think.

Last week has been a real test of patience and envisioning of the future. The coming week is going to be around 13-17 degrees at night and we have the blessing of staying at a friends house for the time being. Which is nice considering that we still don’t have our shit together(so-to-speak). We do have a set plan for this place, but it is going to be about a week before we really start to get going. A lot of the buildings are derelict and each is a hazardous project to take on.

Well, I have a lot written down on my own computer, and I don’t have the wifi here at this place  (they are very selective about who they give their password to… and we really just met) so, once I am able to, I will be getting all of that posted and keep everyone updated. It’s about 2 weeks worth of material too. Don’t worry, Dear Reader, I think of you often and that’s enough to keep me going.

Getting My Mind Back

I’ve had a recent ‘spurt’ of creativity flowing through me recently, and am not quite sure why. It feels great though. I’ve been having constant day dreams about a story that I have been thinking about for the last few months. So, I have been researching all morning about how to collect water in space and on the moon.

Perhaps this post is a complete 180 flip from what I have been posting the last couple of months. But it is definitely a breath of fresh air. My mind has been a lot clearer not being on alcohol.

I write this now for the sole purpose of being grateful that I am alive another day.

There is a lot that has come to light in my mind and I think writing about that leaf was somewhat of a way to release some of my fears and sentiments that I never share with anyone. Knowing full well that the people that I most want to express myself to will never read it, and maybe by the time they do, things would be different. All I can hope to do is hang on to the last shread of sanity that I have. Not knowing where it is that I want to really go with my life.

I write now because I want to tell my future self that it can be done. Just keep doing what is right and believe that you can do it. Even if it is by yourself. No one said it would be easy. Thank You Dear Reader for your time. Much obliged.

Fresh Air

It’s funny to think that someone that lives outdoors would need some fresh air. But what I have realised is that when I was in the city, I dreamed of going to the country side, thinking that all my worries would be washed away. However, now that I am here, sometimes, I feel like I just want to go to the city and spend some time with all the crazy people and cars and lights.

But there is something that I have found to be even more soothing. The reassurance and support of an old friend.

My friend has come from Oregon and he I used to live with him for a while a couple of years ago. I worked in his garden and was able to do pretty much anything I wanted there. The only difference is that he always gave me supportive feedback and corrected me if I was doing a technique or practice wrong. Instead of taking over, he always let me retry with him doing it by my side.

This is one aspect in a friend and mentor that I can get behind.

I don’t see a point in telling someone that they are doing something wrong and then taking the project from them and doing it themselves the way that they first imagined the task being done. I don’t think I work that way.

These last few weeks, with my friend Dirt having health issues and my boss never really being here, doing the work in the garden was a drag. It bored me and I had no motivation due to the fact that no one else is interested in it. (which is strange because we live on a farm…) However, since my good friend Robin has been here, I feel extremely more inclined to be out there fixing and maintaining the garden as it should be. He loves to garden and knows about farming. He’s been doing it since he was young. I don’t know how old he is, but his fiery spirit leads his way. He, too, is a traveler and he won’t be here very long, but his time here has certainly made mine more enjoyable.

It’s nice to be in the garden with someone who wants to be there, and who actually is filled with knowledge about many types of flora and fauna.

This post is simply to appreciate the people in your life that you aspire to be or that you can trust to help you along your path to wherever it is that you may be going. People like this deserve to be held in high regard and esteem because there are not enough of them!

Thank you Dear Reader, for your time.

In the Wind

Last night I had a dream about the woman that I am very fond of. In this dream, she was standing there in an outfit of crimson and deep blue. In this dream, I could not stand to look at her because for some odd reason, I was embarrassed. Perhaps even frightened. A magical effect brought on by those with the power to create or destroy.

Her beauty was captured in the surroundings, and it seemed to make her glow with a certain air of distinction that captured her essence.

This dream was vague and passed by with the swiftness of a dandelion being blown in the wind. Sensations of being afraid to speak with her, or even look at her, makes me upset and angry with myself. What would I do in real life!? Honestly, I don’t think I would react this way in real-life, I would not let myself ever pass up another opportunity to be with her for even a moment. Even if it were to just talk about the little pleasures that have happened to us in the absence of each other.

Dear Reader, I want to tell you that this woman is someone special. One of the most unfettered beings that I have ever met. One of the most wonderful specimens to ever cross my path. I am infatuated to an unhealthy point. I just need to focus on my Gardening…