Somewhere within, closer than I can imagine. Learning that this solitude is either one of two things. The negative particulars wherein I always find myself takes hold and it becomes regrettably hard to escape. The other positive path is simply a change of mind and attitude. Stuck in my head and longing for community. More than what there currently is.
I had a dream this morning about being in a type of boarding school, a place that I’ve been to before. I mean to say, I’ve visited this place several other times in dreams. The one constant is that I arrive and there is always new people. Some people I know, most of them I don’t. It was something like living in the San Francisco Commune all those years ago. Seems like forever.
But that’s exactly the thing I wish for. A whole group of people watching each others back and making the most out of shitty situations. Currently, I’m learning how to enjoy being alone so that I don’t try and use others as a means of escape. Which I have always done. I’ve never focused on my needs to any extent beyond eating food and drinking water. Regular human stuff.
I always found the need give all of myself to a single person, which subsequently leads me to believe that I am easily manipulated which in-turn I give up on my ideas and sell myself short. And it really stinks to feel that way. I know that I am worthy and I just have to prove that to myself.