Lately it has been quite an eye-opener. It’s not that I just realised this, I’ve known it for a long time, but one can see the health of a person by the health of their garden. In this case, I wasn’t taking care of myself mentally or physically, continuelly beating myself up for things that perhaps wouldn’t make sense to those around me. A kind of enigma.
When I get this way, when I am suffering, it is apparent in all the things around me. My dog runs off, my plants become sickly or wilted, and my body just aches from being wounded internally.
I have been fighting this part of me for a long time, and it has been in the garden that I find the most solace. I have mentioned before about my friend, who has helped me a lot the past month in doing things in the garden that I just don’t take the initiative to do. There are things that I want to accomplish, however, I feel intimidated or that I don’t have the jurisdiction to do such things because it isn’t part of the ‘master plan’.
To be quite honest, I want to make some changes in the garden without having to ask anyone. There’s a certain sense of fear that I may make a mistake. What are mistakes but stepping stones to knowledge?! The thing about having my friend from Oregon so close is that he gives me the confidence to do things that I wouldn’t normally do. Making decisions without the fear of reciprication in the wrong way.
This post is simply to state that there is a lot of things that I still wish to change in myself, and I think that if I tend to what I know and gain the knowledge that I seek, I will be able to do this physically in the garden. Seeing the objective changes in the garden kills me inside. But there is also one other thing…
I am currently the only one taking care of about a quarter acre(?not actually sure… a very large area). I mean, there is another person that is here that does things, but they are practically usless (sorry not sorry) because they need to be held by their hand.
There’s not much that can be done about this except put it up on the community board, because that’s where all of the tasks are. It’s not a bad thing I suppose, but perhaps it is a stressful part of what I do because it is an added responsiblity that I never signed up for. But is it my fault for knowing how things run around here? Or what…? I don’t exactly know.
All-in-all, I think that leaving would be the wrong idea. Staying isn’t that great of an idea in-itself. But I shall, because that is what is expected of me. There isn’t much that I can do, and absolutely nowhere that I am able to go, which inlies the problem.
I’ll just suck it up, Dear Reader, and pray that my situation gets better. Thank you for reading.