Am I asleep or awake?
Constantly, I see the temperance in everything. It reflects in the puddles produced by the rain, which in turn also fades away as it soaks in to the ground. I see the way that life brings little pleasures, and just as soon takes them away. Through this, however, I see that that is what life may very well be about. Existing in those moments that are shared between all things.
A moment in space and time where the only thing that matters is the overwhelming joy of just… Being .
Lately, Dear Reader, I have been thinking about my existence on this planet and what I have been doing with the time that I have spent here. I don’t understand most of the obstacles that people face, and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own. But I do know that when life is good, even when it seems that you are not being dealt the cards that that you wanted, it can be exceptionally grand!
Working on one’s self is important, and I have learned that it can be extremely difficult at times. Even now, as I write this, I am uncertain about several different parts of my very being. The uncertain and darkest parts of me that are absolutely afraid of what it is that lays in wait in the revealing light.
I constantly battle the thoughts that I have tried to get rid of since I was a child. The things that changed me and attribute to the lesser parts of me no doubt.
The gradual pace at which my heart beats leads me to believe that I have time left still to improve on the human that I am. Going about this life as if it could be taken for granted will not do!
Being here, on the farm, has helped me realise that one-hundred percent of the time, you have to face the things that you fear most. Because sooner or later, you will be backed into a corner with no way out but to slay that which has been eating away at all that you are.
I suppose that I am ranting now, so I will leave it at that Dear Reader. The point that I am making is that I have been afraid of certain obstacles in my life, and I have never had anyone to help me get through them. I have been running away from the things that I have buried within me for so long, that I somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost part of myself to just forgetting through whatever medium that I deemed necessary at the time.Even though I knew better.
I was lost in a life of dreaming. Idealizing a future that was never in reach. Because it was never there. It was the one thing that I made up to help myself cope with a reality that I never asked for. Something that I could never really understand with people who mostly never gave me the help I desperately needed. So it goes…