Winter and Breaking

So, I am finally on vacation.

A good thing, and hopefully better for me than I am expecting. There isn’t a whole lot that can go wrong. I will be surrounded by family and maybe a few friends.

There isn’t much else I can do. Being away from the farm is going to be healthy for me. And the loneliness will cease for the time being.

I’m just here thinking, however, about my last post and what I was thinking. I am sure that if I wasn’t a little buzzed I probably wouldn’t have said anything. Which would have been great. But seeing as there is no going back from that kind of thing, I am stuck in a constant flurry of mixed emotions and bewilderment.

Anyway, I am going down south for a week to say hello to my family. I know that my mother misses me, and that’s about as much as I can ask for.

There aren’t too many times where I feel so full of remorse/regret, but this is definitely one of those times Dear Reader.

There was so much going on in my mind. So many thoughts that were convoluted in pretense and assumption. There is always a feeling of not being able to comprehend myself sometimes. And I guess that can’t be helped.

I try to keep my mind preoccupied with reading and writing, as I am doing now, but that only helps so much.

I know that I can be creating so much more. And as I think about it, as a teenager, I always believed that there was no greater key to inspiration than pain. That if I were suffering my art would be something better. But now I find that to be the opposite. That being completely immersed in someone’s being could cause much more beauty to leak out through my writing.

The feeling of limitless love and passion. The feeling of pure ecstasy when engulfed in someone else’s presence.

I used to be able to create when I felt this way, I used to enjoy the silence of pain, but now I see things a bit differently. The happiness that someone can bring is exponentially more satisfying then the pain that can be experienced through their absence. And not merely losing them, but being without their presence for purposes of misinterpretation or miscommunication of sentiments and feelings.

What is the most upsetting to me at this point is the audacity one can have about something that isn’t truly real. A made up fantasy of what never happened. An illusion of a future that will never come to fruition.

And this is why I need this short vacation so badly. I need my head to be cleared and in working condition if I want to continue to be an asset. (if I truly am…)

Thank you Dear Reader for your patience. I apologise for venting so hard..

Post Scriptum- a short time of happiness was better than nothing.

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