Confessing

Where has my heart gone? In this month alone, I have succumbed to the will of my lesser emotions. Also, I have found a New love in an old place. Although it doesn’t make much sense. How could I be in love with her? How could I feel this way about her, when I don’t even really know her? Why is she constantly in my thoughts?

These are the questions I ask. And, for the time being, they will remain unanswered.

Is it that I have fallen for her charm? The way we talk? The expression of her day? I suppose I have more questions than answers. So it goes.

Why does my mind reel every moment with her image…? Why does it strike me as utmost insanity at the thought of how she makes me feel…?

Could it be the continuous solitude that comes with living alone in the mountains? The unbearable silence that is my life? It’s not hard to fall in love with plants, and I have my dog, but there is just that sensation of a hole inside of me that hasn’t been filled. A place in my heart that has grown cold, longing for the heat of passion and acknowledgment.

It turns out that after confessing to an unrequited love, I have made matters worse. What was I thinking? As I said, we hardly know each other. Yet I felt so overwhelmed with joy when talking to her. As if it where the only thing that would make me happy. And for a short time, it did.

As they say, I jumped the gun, Dear Reader. An act that I most seriously regret.

In my mind, it wasn’t fair for me to have said that I loved her. It wasn’t fair because there was no reason to have said it in the first place. I mean, what was I thinking? I couldn’t be in love with her. Perhaps the thought of being in love with her makes more sense. But then again, what does that even mean? Was it wrong of me to have said something like that to her? I don’t even know.

I’m currently writing without confidence. I am only writing this to get it off my chest. My heart is longing for the company of someone that I can fall in love with again. Perhaps that’s all I want. Is to fall in love and stay/be in love. It’s too much to ask for when I live practically alone on top of a mountain.

Thank you Dear Reader for your time I hope my post isn’t so dreary, but at the same time, it can’t be helped. So it goes…

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