Nicknames and Memory

Dear Cha-Cha,

If you ever read this know that it was my fault. I made mistakes and there is no act of contrition that would make it better. You’re gone and its tough to keep being reminded of you. In everything. Songs. Trees. Food. It all brings me back to a memory of you. I sit here, knowing that I should have been different. I miss you singing to me new songs you found on the internet. I should have played Magic: the gathering when you kept asking. I should have gave you that massage. But it’s all over.

I thought that it wouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. Knowing that you’re probably having a good time with him makes me so angry. He was my friend. I should have been different. I should have loved you more and not let my thoughts get in the way.

The only reason why I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve right now is because I need to get it out. I love you. I miss you. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep checking my e-mails to see if you’ve replied, even though I know I will hear the notification sound when I get a new one. Always hoping that it’ll be you.

I tried playing some songs that we used to sing together on the guitar, and stop less the halfway because it’s just too much and I get all choked up… and as silly as it sounds, I miss when we messed up with the lyrics.

The last night that we were in the same place, I heard you howling and having a great time. While I lay there in the dark, while you had fun, I fought with myself for hours, laying awake, trying to make sense of a decision that would benefit you. Fighting a losing battle, I know in my heart of hearts that it was the right thing to do. You would be better off without me… so I left.

So here I am. So it goes. I love you Cha-Cha. You treated me so well, only now do I understand what I had. So it goes.

If you ever read this, just know that you deserve the best. Someone that will treat you the way you treated me. Someone that will be passionate about loving you. Don’t accept anything less. Goodbye and see you on the other side.

Sincerely and with love,

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