Inside

Dear Reader, there are a lot of things running through my mind that I wish to tell you. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about my own emotions and problems, but seeing how things are going, I don’t know where else to go. So before I get started, I wanted to say thank you Dear Reader, for taking the time out of your day to read this. (if you do).

Well, I don’t know what to do any more. I thought that I could do things on my own, but the constant reminder that I am really no one haunts me and I really don’t want to be back on the street again. However, every day, I get closer and closer to the time where I’ll have to leave again. Being back in the town that I grew up in, I realise that I have no friends here. I realise that there is still nothing for me here. And I continue to ruin my body with alcohol and cigarettes.

Thoughts plague me. I don’t know what it is that I really want to do. I do know that I want to continue to travel… but what good is that when you simply don’t have anyone to share that with. It seems that all of my friends are doing whatever it is that they are doing and because of who I am, I can’t really bring myself to ask anyone to hang out just for “old-time’s sake”. Anyway, that’s not the point of this post. What I’m trying to get off my chest is the fact that I have never felt so alone before…

When I was younger, I knew that I could just return home and it would all blow over. In my heart, I thought that it was gong to be that way again, but I am sorely mistaken. Being here now, every day, I feel more and more alone.

Being out travelling (back when my posts where full of light and information) I really didn’t think that I would end up in this kind of state of depression. but I suppose that it can’t be helped. With no one to talk to, I’m not sure what to do, so I end up here. Writing about my problems. I really miss my lover and friend. My significant other… and I wish that I would have treated her better. The way that she deserves. She gave me so much and cared about me, and I don’t even know why I started to act that way in the first place. I was so wrong… and I’m suffering for it now. And I guess that it truly doesn’t matter.

If I could take it all back, I would. I would go back there and hold her little face and kiss her. I would rub her shoulders when she’s aching. I would do anything… seriously. Even beside all of the recent things that happened. But it seems impossible now, and that opportunity is gone now. So it goes. There is no act of contrition that could help me now. So here’s to another sorrowful post about resentment. If you got this far, Dear Reader, know that I’m truly grateful. Hopefully, I’ll be better soon.

p.s. My next posts will be some news and other information to get this post down in my TL so that you might not even read it.

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2 thoughts on “Inside

  1. wbduvall

    It’s true it took some cojones to throw it out there like that. And it’s not so off topic! The second principle of Permaculture is people care- your SELF is included. Take care of yourself first, like setting a Zone 1 within, then slowly expand outwards when you’re ready
    -w

    Reply

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